A True Change Of Heart

Why I needed a change of heart

It seems like a lifetime ago when I think back to the person I used to be. Whenever I talk or write about my life before coming to Christ, I feel like I’m telling someone else’s story. The stark contrast between who I was, to who I am in Christ, is mind-blowing. Each day, I notice areas in my life and in my character that are growing and aligning with whom God wants me to be. Everything from my conduct, to my desires and interests, has all changed drastically. Early in my walk, I remember thinking “what if I lose myself, and my identity in this process”? I have learned that this is not the case. I have become the best version of myself, retaining the best parts of me while simultaneously letting the unpleasantries fall away.

The ways the Lord has changed me are unfathomable. Sometimes I still can’t believe the depths of the transformations within myself. Others around me have noticed the drastic difference, and that is a testimony to God’s ability to transform the condition of our hearts. 

The heart and mind of a sinner

Before coming to Jesus, my life was chaotic, often hopeless, and downright discouraging. I had no direction, and it was clear by the way I lived my life daily. Everything I did was motivated by emotion and pride. It never took much convincing for me to allow hate and anger to fuel the fire inside of me. I looked for any excuse to fight, argue, or offend. I wasn’t born a rotten person, nor was I raised to behave in the way that I did for most of my life. Hurt, disappointment, anger, and pride grew within me like cancer and spread throughout every aspect of my personality. It entangled itself into my beliefs, character, attitude, and behavior. 

It didn’t take long for these things to become so deeply rooted within me. I could no longer discern that the way I became was not who I genuinely was. I guess that was the intention of that specific deception. The enemy wanted me to believe that I was the person I was behaving like. By accepting that it was me, I adopted the mindset that there was no way I could change even if I wanted to. That’s the thing about the unclean spirits we let into our lives, they become intertwined into distinctive areas of our flesh, including our state of mind, emotions, and temperament. We suppose that it is our own feelings or will, unable to detect the spiritual influence taking place within us and around us. 

Myself, looking back, I understand now that unforgiveness played a considerable role in my propensity to outbursts of anger, violence, and self-destruction. The brokenness within me established its own path toward avoidance and escape through any means necessary. I was always searching for something to take me out of my reality, out of my feelings, and out of my mind. It never helped, I found myself in worse condition than I had been. I continued with the self-destructive lifestyle even though I knew that it wasn’t helping me or my situation. But I didn’t know what to do, and doing something was better than doing nothing. 

Being born again

Nothing ever truly fixed the condition of my heart. Medications, therapy, self-help books, new friends, and new surroundings would occasionally offer temporary relief, but I always ended up at my original starting point. So when I came to the Lord offering my troubled, damaged, and sinful self, I really wasn’t expecting much. I didn’t truly understand at that time the spiritual meaning of being born again. If I hadn’t experienced it for myself, I don’t know if I would’ve ever grasped it. When an individual comes to Christ and receives the Holy Spirit, something wonderful takes place, the process of sanctification. Little by little, the parts of me I struggled so long to live with dropped off of me. The hate, anger, depression, and unforgiveness in me were being properly dealt with for the first time. Through true repentance and a genuine desire for God to make me whole, I witnessed incredible changes within myself. I experienced a true change of heart. 

God taught me about the spiritual side of the things that caused such strife in my life. With the Holy Spirit leading me, I was able to connect the dots and discover the links from the physical to the metaphysical. Because of this, I was ready to learn how to properly deal with the root of my problems in myself. Spiritual issues need spiritual solutions, which is why everything else I had tried was never able to fix these things within me. Once I had a substantial understanding of what God was revealing to me, he was ready to give me a glimpse of it in action. Through receiving deliverance and praying spiritual warfare prayers, God delivered, revived, and restored every part of me.

Me then vs me now

God is still teaching me, and I am still learning. I am a work in progress and will be until the day of Christ’s return. I recognize now my personal need for God in all things, and that I am unable to do anything apart from him. Each day I’m looking less like the person I was while simultaneously becoming the individual God created me to be. I still have my moments where I struggle to break the mental and emotional habits I had for 30 years. Nevertheless, the changes I have experienced are undeniable.

If I had to pick the person in my life who knows me best, it would without a doubt be my husband. He has seen and loved me at my worst and at my best. He knows how I think, feel, and react to situations from being a part of my life for 11 years. Because of this, it counts for a lot when he acknowledges the profound changes in me. My husband informed me afterward that the changes he recognized in me sparked his desire to come to the Lord. He knew all about the brokenness inside of me and all about my struggles. So when he witnessed the inward healing taking place and the peace and joy that I was walking in, he undoubtedly knew something supernatural had taken place. He explained to me he wanted for himself what he observed happening to me, and thus began the start of his walk. Which is an incredible testimony that we both are looking to share soon.

No matter the condition your heart may presently be in, nothing is too flawed or difficult for God. He is the potter and we are the clay. If you allow him to do what he does best, he will take who you are now and do unbelievable things in you and in your life. If God can take me and my husband, being the sinners we were, and change the conditions of our hearts, then he certainly can do the same for you.