Self Medicating Myself Right Into A Heroin Addiction

How did the choice of self medicating lead to my heroin addiction?

It all started with a desperate attempt and last-ditch effort to escape what I could not handle. The persistence of my clinical depression and bipolar disorder completely hijacked my life. I sought professional help, antidepressants, therapy and all the self-help books I could stomach. Year after year, it only got increasingly worse. I crossed the threshold of contemplating suicide to attempting it. I lost all desire to live, my only concern had been escaping by any means necessary. I began to self medicate with prescription pain pills and it wasn’t long before I became a full-blown heroin addict.

After 10 long years of being addicted to heroin, I thoroughly destroyed my life. Exhausted, broken and worse off than when I started, I recognized I could not continue like this. The dilemma was I didn’t know how to stop. I used so heavily for so long, I would go into withdrawal a few hours after putting drugs into my system. I sensed whatever I was up against was bigger than me. There seemed to be no way I could do this on my own. I was stuck in between wanting to end this vicious cycle I found myself in and being far too scared to do anything about it.

I always assumed that getting sober amounted to a decision someone would make. I thought once I established I was done doing drugs, I could just be done doing drugs.

It turned out to be so much more than that. I realized I needed to choose to willingly suffer for a prolonged stretch of time. It is human nature to avoid suffering and discomfort, not to actively pursue it. I was certain that I no longer wanted to continue this addiction, but I understood to get sober I would have to endure the bodily withdrawal. It feels like the closest thing to dying a slow and painful death. I don’t know which is worse the physical withdrawal or the mental state it leaves you in.