What Forgiving Someone Really Means

Forgiving Someone

It’s common knowledge that forgiveness is an important element of living a Christian life. It wasn’t until I was older that I understood the importance of forgiveness. I had some misconceptions about the act of truly forgiving someone. Once I came to the Lord, I was confronted with the realization that much of my bondage had a direct correlation to the unforgiveness in my life.

When we read through the scriptures and come across the places that speak about forgiveness I think a lot of us breeze right over it. Possibly because we believe we know exactly what forgiveness is or what it means. We wrongly think there is nothing left to learn. Maybe we think we have taken in all there is to know about it, and it is now just a matter of implementing it to situations in our own lives. Yet so many individuals discover they cannot walk in forgiveness. This directly results from people having an improper perception of what forgiveness means. Because of this, we miss the profoundly real effects that unforgiveness can have on our lives and on our spiritual well being.

What Forgiveness Is and Isn’t

Some people don’t forgive because they don’t know how to forgive someone. This is stopping people from living a life that illustrates forgiveness? Let’s simplify what forgiveness is and isn’t.

Forgiveness Is NOT

• Forgiveness is not a feeling or emotion

• Forgiving someone does not mean you will no longer feel hurt, disappointed, or offended. Forgiving someone really means that you will not allow those emotions to dominate the way you deal with that individual.

• Forgiving someone does not mean the removal of consequences or ramifications

• Forgiveness does not mean immediate gain or return of your trust

• Forgiveness does not mean restoration to the way things were. Sometimes things cannot go back to how they were, even when forgiveness is granted.

• Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same. You may forgive someone but no longer maintain any relationship or contact with them. However, reconciliation is the act or process of returning to a relationship after an argument or disagreement has taken place. Reconciliation is usually the end result when forgiveness is applied.

• Forgiveness is not dependant upon the offender’s apology. You do not have to receive an apology from the person who wronged you in order to forgive them.

• Forgiveness is not and should never be conditional. Forgiving someone is forgiving someone, nothing else is needed in order to grant forgiveness to another person. We offer forgiveness because we are commanded to, because we want God’s forgiveness and it sets us free. Not because certain conditions were met.

• Forgiving someone does not require the other person to change first. Forgiveness can be given to an offender regardless of a change in their behavior or lack thereof.

• Forgiveness is not trust. You can forgive someone who sins against you and not trust that person. You can offer forgiveness to an individual whilst forgiving someone does not equate trusting them. It takes time to trust someone and twice as long to get it back once you’ve lost it.

Forgiveness IS

• Forgiveness is a choice or voluntary decision rather than a feeling

• Forgiveness is a continual process. Deciding to forgive someone is not a one-time thing. Often we have to work at forgiving someone, fighting the urges to become bitter or resisting the urge to replay the wrongdoing over and over.

• Forgiveness is electing to let go

• Forgiveness means acknowledging that moving forward you will not use their transgression against them, hold it over their head or constantly refer to it.

• Forgiveness means choosing the individual or the relationship as oppose to holding onto the offence

• Forgiveness means agreeing to relinquish your power over the person who sinned against you. Voluntarily giving up anything that you can hold against them because of their transgression.

True forgiveness is given without expecting anything in return. By forgiving those who wronged us, we are setting ourselves free from the bondage or power that offense had over us.

Giving another person, or even ourselves forgiveness isn’t an easy thing to do. If it was so simple everyone would do it. In order for us to truly forgive someone, we have to lean on the Lord. If we cannot truly forgive a person we need to seek the Lord. His strength enables us to do the things contrary to our flesh and our nature.

Many people will say they have forgiven someone with their mouth, but it is hard to know if they really have. How can we tell if someone is operating in true forgiveness?

A person that has NOT truly forgiven someone will:

• Continue to bring up the offense
• Focus on the hurt that was caused
• Say and do things from a place of bitterness and resentment
• Blame their problems or their condition on the offense  

Just as God forgives and offers us grace, we too need to be an example of this towards the people who have wronged us. These are the people who need it the most.